The Weight and the Wait

You know that feeling you get when something you've given up hope on actually happens? It kind of feels like a weight you didn't know was on your shoulders is finally lifted. You laugh, you cry, you want to shout hallelujah, you drop to your knees to thank God for the blessing. I had that experience today. I had just finished booking a hotel room for our upcoming rental hunting trip to Syracuse. I popped on over to Casey's email to check for the booking confirmation and saw this:

"Dear Casey,

I am pleased to inform you that a TA-ship has become available; and the Linguistics Committee has decided to offer you a Spanish Teaching Assistantship to support study in the Linguistic Studies MA Program."

I immediately burst into tears and called Casey over to see. I had given up hope that he would be offered the TA-ship and was ready to have 30k or more per year in student loans for his 2 year program. Now his tuition is covered and he gets a stipend that will help us pay for a place to live. 

This experience has humbled me greatly. I was very angry with Heavenly Father for telling us this is the right thing and then not opening doors to do it. I made sure he knew I was angry. He has, once again, reminded me that I am not in charge and that he will provide what we need, even if it comes after a long wait. Now that this weight is off my shoulders, I can enjoy the massive reduction in my stress levels. I am going to be expressing my gratitude for this immense blessing for a long time to come.

Handling Stress

That moment when you are so stressed and anxious about money, moving, and life in general that you want to eat an entire pan of brownies, but also throw up, sleep all day, but also stay awake for three days to find any possible way to save a few pennies, not spend any money on anything ever, but also buy everything on your Amazon wishlists... I'm in that moment.

We have the money to get up to Syracuse to look at places to live, but we have no money to put into a rental. I'm trying really hard to just let go of control and let Heavenly Father take care of it, but I don't know how I can trust that we will magically find a place in our price range, that doesn't require a deposit and first month rent, and is in a safe area. I'm struggling to find the positives in my life when it feels like everything is just blowing up around me. I can't sleep because my anxiety is past manageable, but I can't take anything for it because I am pregnant and when I can sleep, I have nightmares that leave me more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

Ok, enough focusing on the negatives. We will be able to do this. We will find a place to live. We will be able to afford it.

Feeling Ignored

I've been struggling to feel like Heavenly Father cares about me. It seems like everything I pray for or about is just pushed aside and I am left thinking "why am I not being heard?" 

I prayed that Casey would get into more schools than Syracuse, nothing. 

I prayed that he would get the TAship, nada. 

I prayed that this baby would be a girl, no luck. 

I prayed that we would be able to rent the house we really wanted, more nothing. 

I pray to be able to sleep well, I get 5-6 hours a night.

There are some things that are being heard. Casey always comes home safe from work. The Bean is healthy and so is the baby. Somehow I am able to function well enough to keep my family alive. Those should be enough to make me feel like I am being heard, but I feel like those things would probably be that way anyway. I'm just tired of knowing that Syracuse is where we need to go and yet having no foreseeable way to live there. I'm tired of praying for things and having the exact opposite happen. I'm tired of feeling ignored by the one being that is always supposed to be there for me.

Fear not! I am not going to leave my faith behind. I'm just going to take a Pioneer approach. I will put my head down and just keep pushing the cart. I just hope that one day I won't have to feel this way.

Please, don't offer advice, scripture verses, or "comforting words." I've heard most and they are not helpful right now.