Gravity

There was a dance performed on So You Think You Can Dance that describes how I feel about my anxiety.

I live with something that is always there. Sometimes I think I have shaken it, but then it reminds me of its presence. Sometimes is does control me. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, because I can't conquer this thing. 

Then I realize that it may always be there and I may very well have to deal with it until the day I die, but I am still blessed beyond measure.

I have a wonderful husband who doesn't really understand how I feel, but he listens and lets me cry when I need to.  

I have a sweet little boy who may not always want to give me hugs, but he does when I really need them.

I have an amazing family that loves me no matter what.

And most importantly, I have a Father in Heaven that is there to listen to me when I feel alone and beat down. The wonderful thing about Him is that I never have to worry whether He has time to listen to my pleas. I know He loves me and that I will be blessed for striving to live through this trial as best I can. And when I remember that, life doesn't seem quite so hard.

11 Days

I'm just feeling beat down by the world. 

I'm just glad I get to go to the temple in 11 days and let the world disappear for a few hours... 2 months is a long time between visits.

On Gun Control

I'm just going to put it out there...

I don't like guns.

I don't want one, I don't want my husband to have one, and I certainly don't want my son to have one.

I am not against other people having guns. I have several friends that are gun enthusiasts. I support their right to own certain types of guns (handguns, rifles, shotguns), but not assault rifles, machine guns, or any other gun that is specifically designed to kill large groups of anything. Assault weapons have no place in homes, places of business, or schools. I feel that the only people who should have access and be trained to use them should be law enforcement, such as police, swat teams, etc, and the military and even then, only in combat zones and extreme situations.

As far as hunting type guns (shotguns, rifles, etc), I think that you should be required to show not only your id, but also a valid hunting licence to purchase them or their ammo. If it were up to me, hunting licences would be a greater expense to encourage people to actually hunt with the purpose of feeding their family, not just killing animals to show off.

There have been lots of possible solutions to the idea of school shootings lately and I have been one to indulge in a little problem solving of my own. I do not want guns in classrooms, but I would like a, well trained, armed resource officer in schools. I know this wouldn't solve every problem, but it might help save some lives. I also think that teaching children gun safety is important. I'm not sure at what age or in what setting this would be best, but at home would be my first choice. I want to teach my children that there is never a time when killing a person who is not threatening to kill you or your family is ok. I fully support incapacitating a person who is threatening anyone, but taking a life will always cause pain and suffering, even when justified. Maybe not to the person who took the life, but there will be someone left behind, or on the other side, that feels that hurt.

I support the 2nd amendment, but I also believe that there are people who should not have access to guns. In a perfect world, everyone would use firearms responsibly and with care, but we don't live in a perfect world. We live in a world of criminals and people who want to cause pain. I look forward to a time when everyone will be able to look past petty things and see each other how God sees us, but today is not that day and I know that it will be a long while before it is.

I know full well that my thoughts and solutions would not fix the broken world in which we live. I know that this blog post will not change any minds in Washington or even around me, but I just felt the need to write down how I feel about the subject.

And to anyone who wants to argue about this, I say:

This New Year

Christmas at my parent's was wonderful. I could write all about it, but I have pictures up elsewhere.

On to the year 2013!

Our goals this year are simple and the list is small.

Me:

• Do more creative things and spend less time on the computer
• Actually fast every first Sunday of the month (I always have an excuse and it is time to stop making excuses)

Casey:

• Lose 50 lbs
• Get into grad school or find a job to get us out of here

Bean:

• Be cute
• Be awesome

That is it for us. We are not putting down outrageous goals that are unreasonable to achieve. Just a couple things for each of us. The Bean has already accomplished his and will continue to accomplish them all year. Happy (slightly late) New Year!

I just feel the need to write about today. Far too often, unspeakably horrible things happen in this world. Today was just such a day. I was going about my business when I read about something happening in Connecticut. I immediately looked for more information. My stomach flipped and my heart broke when I read that someone walked into an elementary school and killed adults and so many innocent children. I could barely believe that someone could do such an atrocious thing. I thought of those sweet children's parents and how one person's actions has taken away their precious angels.

My heart aches for those affected by this event. I have shed many tears for them today. I have seen a loved one lose a child and I would not wish that on anyone. I have never seen such grief. I pray for those families to have comfort since I know they will not have peace yet. I pray for them to not be angry. I pray for them to feel the love of God in this unbelievably difficult time. I shed tears for the people taken from this earth. I shed tears for their families and friends. I shed tears for the poor tormented soul that did this. He will feel this grief one hundred fold and I pity him.

For those who remain behind and must feel the grief now, I pray that they will be able to feel the healing power of the atonement. It cannot bring their loved ones back, but it can help heal the pain and suffering brought by this awful tragedy. This nation stands beside them at this devastating time and many of us are sending prayers their way.

May our Heavenly Father's love and comfort be with us all at this time.

Just one of those days

I said something stupid to someone I really care about. Her feelings were very hurt. I apologized and tried to make it right. We both thought it was. Someone else stepped in and told me I was a terrible person. I was a jerk to them. It escalated. I almost lost the first person as a friend. Thank goodness she forgave me for all of it. It has been a really rough day. I'm just grateful for such a forgiving friend who loves me even when I am an idiot. People like her are few and far between and deserve to be cherished.

Thankfully, I Forgot Yesterday

I am not really thankful that I forgot yesterday. It is more that yesterday was difficult and I was not very grateful. Today has been better so far.

#3: Yesterday I was thankful for outside time. I try to spend at least 15 minutes outside every day. For my own sanity as much as for the Bean's. He needs a change of scene most days since our apartment is just not big enough for his need to explore.

#4: Today I am thankful for the Sacrament. I can't pay attention to much of church since I have to chase a squirmy kiddo around, so I have to focus on what I can and he is usually good until at least after the most important part of church.