It Just Keeps Coming

Every time I think we are past the stress, it attacks again with full force. The Jeep died about a month or so ago. We have been trying to figure out where we were going to get a "new" car. We finally decided on a used LDS mission car. They are well maintained and less expensive than other used vehicles. After applying for a loan, being denied for not having enough of a credit history (that is a whole rant by itself), and finally getting approved for a loan, I thought it would be smooth sailing. False.

We are having issues with getting the actual check. The church wants one thing on the check, USAA wants something else. I just want to have our own car. I am very grateful for the super pleasant USAA people. They have been really wonderful through this whole process, but I am still frustrated. So much for my naive thought that this would be easy. I guess the universe showed me.

Stuck

Casey received a letter from Penn State today... he didn't get in. I can't say I am surprised, but I am still pretty devastated. I don't want to be here for another year. I want to get out of this tiny town and live somewhere else. I have been making an effort to be happy where I am, but frankly, this time in my life is pretty crappy. I see my husband for roughly 5 hours a day (that is time awake obviously) and then he is off to one job or the other. He works two jobs and we can still barely keep up with our bills. It won't always be like this. I just need to put my head down keep moving.

What Is Up With This

I have been feeling very angry the last couple of days and I can't figure out why. Tiny things set me off, Casey buying the Post for the crossword puzzle, comments made on Facebook, TV shows, and so forth. For those thinking, "oh, it must be a woman thing," it isn't. Maybe I need to just remove myself from the internet and most social interactions for a little bit, I don't know. I suppose we'll see if I feel better in the next few days and if not, there may be some drastic measures taken.

Little Changes: Update

Remember those little changes that I was working on in my life? I am doing decently well with them. I have been reading my scriptures almost every day. Some days life just gets in the way. I have been much more consistent about praying. I am really good about the nighttime prayers, morning is still a bit of a struggle. Journal writing... not so much. It takes too much mental energy most days. Plus, we have a lot of frustrating things going on right now and I know I should write about them, but I don't want to. I will get better about it eventually. Everything is a process.

Life is hard, but good. I love my little man. He is pulling himself up on things and "cruising" from one piece of furniture to the next. He crawls on all fours now and is quite fast. He figured out how to open cabinets in the kitchen so we have to be extra vigilant. He babbles all the time. "Dada" is his favorite thing to say, but he also says "mama." He is just so big!

I Believe in Many Things

I've been feeling impressed to write about some things. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I believe things that often seem strange to others. I just feel the need to write some of my feelings and thoughts.

I believe that the power of God is on the earth. There was an apostasy sometime after the death of Christ and that power was taken from the earth for many years. I believe it was restored, to be held by worthy men of the LDS church. That may seem unfair to people of other faiths or women in the church, but I feel great comfort in knowing that I do not have to carry that heavy responsibility. I do not feel less because I don't hold the priesthood. I have never felt like a second class citizen because of it. The women of the church hold great responsibilities as well. We work in conjunction with the men, not beneath them. It is sometimes hard for me to understand why women would want to hold the responsibility of the priesthood as well as the responsibility for raising children, tending to the sick and needy, and supporting those around us. I feel a great burden when I think of my responsibilities and I would not want to add to it. That said, I do not think of the priesthood as a burden. Neither does my husband, my father, or my grandfather. They carry that power with faith and diligence. They stand as the pillars of my family and I want nothing more than to raise my sons in that wonderful tradition.

My family is eternal. We have been sealed together by the power of God and I have faith that we will be together after this life. It always makes me sad when I hear the phrases "till death do us part" or "as long as you both shall live." I never want to be separated from my husband and thanks to the sealing power, exercised by a man with the proper authority in the temple, we will be together for eternity. Temples are some of my favorite places on earth. My goal was always to prepare myself for the covenants I have made in the temple. People often ask what happens in temples. It is not some weird, secret craziness. We do not sacrifice animals or unearth dead relatives to dunk them in water. We perform sacred rituals that bring us closer to God, our Heavenly Father. We don't speak about them freely because they are sacred and it is not appropriate to discuss sacred things in most settings.

The last thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is the matter of the LDS Church's stance on same-sex marriage. It seems to me that the church does not often actively endorse political movements. We are encouraged to go out, research, and participate in politics according to our conscience, so when the church leaders speak out in favor of (or against) a particular idea, prop 8 for one, I think it means something. I have no problem with the GLBT community. It is their prerogative to live their chosen life. It is my prerogative to disagree with same-sex marriage. No, I don't think that it would lead to people marrying inanimate objects or other such ridiculousness, but I think it makes a mockery of things that I hold sacred. I am all for civil unions having the same legal rights as marriage. I think it is unfair that they don't, but I will never be able to support something that the men I believe receive direct inspiration from God do not support. I am not following blindly. I have formed my own opinion based on researching the church's teachings and secular ideas of the subject.

I believe that the LDS church contains a fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that everyone has some measure of the truth. I do not try to convince people that I know everything because I don't. I just felt the need to write down some of the things I believe and know. I know that Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us. I also know that he has set forth commandments and guidelines for us to follow. He loves us when we make mistakes, but mercy cannot rob justice. He must be a just God and in order to do that and be a loving God He sent His Son, Jesus Christ to atone for our sins. That atonement provides a way for all of us to come back to live in His presence, IF we obey his commandments and receive ordinances. Christ himself said that we must be baptized of water and of the spirit. I have faith that if I do what I am supposed to do, I will be able to live with my Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ. That is what I believe.

11 Things From Me

This is all Ann's fault. Just kidding. I was looking for a non-frustrated-with-my-life thing to blog about.

• right brained or left brained?
• Most of my time is spent in the left brain, but when I am doing something creative I am all right brain.
• what was the last spontaneous thing you did?
• Not sure, the last truly spontaneous thing I did was probably kissing Casey for the first time. I know, it has been a while. I don't consider eating out or things like that to be spontaneous, so yeah. There it is. I kissed him in the back of his Jeep... while I was still writing to my missionary. Not my most shining moment, but it turned out well in the end.
• what was the last movie you watched?
• I watch a lot of TV shows. The last movie I watched was Holes, I think.
• what is your dream vacation?
• Around the world cruise.
• do you have any addictions that you have no interest in overcoming?
• Sushi.
• what is your favorite thing to cook or comfort food?
• I love cooking pretty much everything. My comfort food is anything I don't have to cook.
• if you could have any super power what would you choose & why?
• Teleportation. I would be able to go anywhere I wanted. Being able to go see my family anytime I want? Uh, yeah.
• what is the best childhood memory that you have?
• The Christmas that my dad didn't have a job. Weird, right? Here is why, I learned a very important lesson. Tithing is more important than we can possibly imagine. My parents chose to pay tithing instead of buying gifts for us. We had such an outpouring of support and love from our ward and random strangers. I remember looking out the window, seeing people run from our door as they rang the doorbell. I didn't realize at the time what that meant, but when I saw my mom sitting on the stairs, with tears in her eyes, opening a box full of food, toys, and clothes, I knew that we were loved.
• did you ever have an imaginary friend? If so tell me about them!
• I did not. Sorry to be boring.
• what modern convenience could you not live without?
• Oh gosh, there are so many. I'm gonna have to go with the internet. I would go crazy without it! Recipes, blogs, pointless games, friends, etc. Who doesn't love the internet?
• what was your favorite tv show growing up?
• Wishbone, Magic School Bus, and Pokemon.

Negativity Sucks

It is true, negativity sucks out all your energy. I get so tired of my own negativity, not to mention other people's negativity. I get on Facebook and see all these angry posts about the government, the weather, family, life, jobs, etc. It makes me tired. The hard things I am going through make me tired. It is time to focus on the positive and steer clear of the negative.

I am certainly not always a positive person. I have more than my fair share of angry thoughts and words, but I know that when I focus on the good things, good things happen. I am a firm believer that your actions and thought bring about consequences that mirror them. Good things come when we are doing what we need to do. That is not always the case, but it helps me keep positive.

I have been trying very hard to focus on the things I have instead of the things I don't. It is important to be thankful for the infinite blessings that I have. I have started having at least one personal prayer that is focused on being thankful. It is so easy to be grateful for all of the amazing things that I have. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing baby boy, fantastic parents, this list could go on for days. Worrying about our nasty, old couch or that we don't have enough bookshelves doesn't accomplish anything. I have everything I need right now and I will receive the things I want when it is the right time.

I acknowledge the hard things in my life, but I am slowly learning to not dwell on them. I've heard a lot of people say: "The Book of Mormon says, 'it came to pass,' not 'it came to stay.'" That needs to be my focus. This too shall pass.