To the older man on the jogging path...

I was coming up on the two mile mark for my jog when you spoke to me. It came as a bit of a shock. I don't really talk to people when I jog, but I didn't have my headphones with me today, so that may be why you spoke to me. You and your friend looked my way and you spoke, 

"You don't need to run, you already look great." 

I felt the sudden urge to give you a one finger salute or tell you to piss off, but I didn't. I stopped my jog, turned around, approached you and your friend and said calmly,

"I know you meant that as a compliment, but it actually made me feel very uncomfortable."

You hastily apologized and looked quite sheepish about it. I told you that I appreciated the apology and that you may want to avoid saying things of that nature to other women because you never know how it might make them feel. I wished you a pleasant day and we went our separate ways, but there are more things I wanted to say. 

As I walked back to the car my mind was a flurry of thoughts about how I want to teach my boys to respect women and not see them as objects. I thought about how my body is my own business. I thought about the fact that you may just be a product of a very different generation. I thought about how I would feel if I was struggling with serious body image issues and heard such a comment. Most of all I thought about my reaction. I was not flattered by your comment. I felt annoyed and frustrated. I wanted to tell you to mind your own business. That my body is not open for discussion. That I don't jog to be thin, I jog to be healthy. I jog because it helps my anxiety. I jog because it releases all the frustrations that I feel on a day to day basis. I jog for me, not for anyone else. I am a person just like you. I am not an object. I am not just my weight. I am not just my size. I am a human being who deserves to be respected like every other human being, male or female.

I know that your comment was not meant to hurt or offend. I know you were giving what you thought was a kind compliment to a woman jogging. I was by myself and I am always on guard when in that situation. I live in a world where I have to be wary of men that compliment me or strike up a conversation because some of them think they are entitled to take whatever they want from women. I have faith that you are not such a man. I live in a world where so many women live in fear of men. I live in a world where I hold my keys between my fingers when walking in a dark parking lot, just in case. I live in a world where I often feel unsafe. Your comment was kind, but other men do not always have the same kindness behind their words and it is nearly impossible for women to know what your intent is. Please think about what I said to you. I pray that it will help you see women as what we are, human being, just like you. I truly do hope that the rest of your day is pleasant and that your life is too. 

Sincerely,

The feminist jogger who confronted you today

Some Thoughts on Grief

There has been a lot of unexpected and devastating loss around me these last few weeks. Each time, I ponder on this quote from Dieter F. Uchtdorf,

"In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.

Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny."

Sometimes we grieve the loss of a loved one. Other times it the loss of what might have been. When it happens we want the world to stop for just a little while and acknowledge our grief. We want to be able to have time to mourn the loss without having to go about our day to day responsibilities. Even the Savior of the world wanted time to grieve for his cousin John. But the world is busy and doesn't stop for us. People around us move on while we wonder how we can ever pick up all the pieces. People say "I'm so sorry, how can I help," but sometimes can't stay for very long.

Grief is such a strange thing. It causes some to be angry, depressed, or even manic. Some show their grief by crying, others do not. It leaves a hole that can heal, but will never truly be the same as it was before. It hurts. It hurts immensely. It hurts to watch others face it. When I see others grieving, I just want to help. I want to take that hurt away. I want to wrap my arms around them and somehow take the pain so they can have peace, even just for a little while. My heart aches for them because I know that there is so little I can truly do. 

I wish I had the words to better express what I am trying to say. I am grateful for an eternal perspective. I am grateful for the power of prayers and the comfort that they bring. I am grateful that endings are not really endings. 

My Plea to You

I saw this quote from Howard W. Hunter on Facebook this morning. The quote is from 1966 so I am not going to apply it fully to this day and age, but it hurts me to know that so many people have a "those people" mentality about people who can't afford to feed their families or pay for healthcare. It also hurts to think that people just assume that we are walking around proudly flaunting our assistance or that we don't appreciate the gift that it is.

As a daughter of two very self-reliant parents, asking for help was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I'm always embarrassed when I use my WIC checks, especially when it takes a long time and people are waiting behind me. My face goes red when I glance back and see the people behind me tap their foot or roll their eyes in impatience. I feel guilty when I spend our food stamps on anything even remotely frivolous. I feel guilty when I buy frozen rolls or pie crusts because it would be cheaper to make them myself. I feel guilty when I buy anything that is not the very lowest quality and price. I don't go to the doctor unless I think something is majorly wrong because I don't want to use any more tax payer money than I absolutely have to.

I wish I could remove the idea that welfare recipients are all deadbeats that are just looking for a hand out. I wish I could show people what I see when I go to WIC appointments and the DSS. I see people who are beat down by life and just need some help. I see young children who don't have enough to eat. I see women working two jobs to just try and get by. I see women like me, who are staying home with their children while the men in their lives try to better their situation.

My plea to anyone who reads this is simple. Pray to see everyone as God sees them. Please don't assume that everyone who is receiving help from the government is just looking for a handout. Please remember those of us who are responsible and are just trying to get by on very little. Please remember that we are all children of God and that he loves each and every person on this earth. He loves us no matter where we live, how we pay for our food, and whether or not we appreciate the assistance we receive. Judgment hurts, love heals.

When Things Change

Every year I feel the urge to write about this day. How my world completely shifted that day. How I knew the world would never feel truly safe again. How strange everything seemed. This year is no exception. 

This year, as I look at my sweet two year old son and feel my unborn son kick me again, I can't help but wonder if they will have such an experience. My parents have had several. They were in Berlin when The Wall fell. Something that never seemed possible, but it happened. That was a happy and amazing thing. September 11th wasn't. 

I remember exactly where I was. I remember exactly what I was doing. I remember my brother turning on the tv, which was strange since I was in the middle of my schoolwork, and then he called for my mom. I looked over at the tv and saw the North tower of the World Trade Center billowing smoke. I thought to myself how strange it was that a plane could lose control and fly into a building. Then we watched the second plane hit. My mom stood there, very calmly, and said "this is a terrorist attack." I panicked. I cried and was terrified. A little while later, the phone rang. My mom answered it and said "He (my dad) is in Arizona on tdy, why?" The call was from my Aunt Sherry in Utah. Then the news changed again. A plane hit the Pentagon. My mom covered her mouth and began to cry. She said goodbye to Sherry and called her parents, my dad's siblings, and his mom to let them know my dad wasn't at the Pentagon that day. My grandma Stacey was not an emotional woman. She cried when she knew her youngest son was safe. I went outside to try and calm down. I could see smoke far off in the distance. 

We watched the news all that day. We watched it all the next day. My dad couldn't get home because so many airports were closed. We were ready to drive out the Arizona to pick him up because we just wanted him home. He finally got a flight and when he got home we hugged and cried and thanked Heavenly Father that he was safe. We prayed for the families who were suddenly without their loved ones. We prayed for rescue workers who were still trying to save anyone they could. We prayed for the president and his advisers. We prayed to not be afraid. 

My sons will never know what it is like to not need a ticket to go past security in the airport. They will grow up in a world where people will always use 9/11 as a day the world changed because it is. I know mine did. Today I will pray for those who lost loved ones, I will pray for our world leaders, and I will pray that one day we can live in a world of peace and security.

Just a Pin

Found these here and didn't want to have to look through my page for them later. Pinterest is superior!

Love these tips!!

COFFEE FILTERS

Coffee filters .... Who knew! And you can buy 1,000 at the Dollar Tree for almost nothing even the large ones.

1. Cover bowls or dishes when cooking in the microwave. Coffee filters make excellent covers.

2. Clean windows, mirrors, and chrome... Coffee filters are lint-free so they'll leave windows sparkling.

3. Protect China by separating your good dishes with a coffee filter between each dish.

4. Filter broken cork from wine. If you break the cork when opening a wine bottle, filter the wine through a coffee filter.

5. Protect a cast-iron skillet. Place a coffee filter in the skillet to absorb moisture and prevent rust.

6. Apply shoe polish. Ball up a lint-free coffee filter.

7. Recycle frying oil. After frying, strain oil through a sieve lined with a coffee filter.

8. Weigh chopped foods. Place chopped ingredients in a coffee filter on a kitchen scale.

9. Hold tacos. Coffee filters make convenient wrappers for messy foods.

10. Stop the soil from leaking out of a plant pot. Line a plant pot with a coffee filter to prevent the soil from going through the drainage holes.

11.. Prevent a Popsicle from dripping. Poke one or two holes as needed in a coffee filter.

12. Do you think we used expensive strips to wax eyebrows? Use strips of coffee filters..

13. Put a few in a plate and put your fried bacon, French fries, chicken fingers, etc on them. It soaks out all the grease.

14. Keep in the bathroom. They make great "razor nick fixers."

15. As a sewing backing. Use a filter as an easy-to-tear backing for embroidering or appliqueing soft fabrics.

16. Put baking soda into a coffee filter and insert into shoes or a closet to absorb or prevent odors.

17. Use them to strain soup stock and to tie fresh herbs in to put in soups and stews.

18. Use a coffee filter to prevent spilling when you add fluids to your car.

19. Use them as a spoon rest while cooking and clean up small counter spills.

20. Can use to hold dry ingredients when baking or when cutting a piece of fruit or veggies.. Saves on having extra bowls to wash.

21. Use them to wrap Christmas ornaments for storage.

22. Use them to remove fingernail polish when out of cotton balls.

23. Use them to sprout seeds.. Simply dampen the coffee filter, place seeds inside, fold it and place it into a plastic baggie until they sprout.

24. Use coffee filters as blotting paper for pressed flowers. Place the flowers between two coffee filters and put the coffee filters in phone book..

25. Use as a disposable "snack bowl" for popcorn, chips, etc.

The Weight and the Wait

You know that feeling you get when something you've given up hope on actually happens? It kind of feels like a weight you didn't know was on your shoulders is finally lifted. You laugh, you cry, you want to shout hallelujah, you drop to your knees to thank God for the blessing. I had that experience today. I had just finished booking a hotel room for our upcoming rental hunting trip to Syracuse. I popped on over to Casey's email to check for the booking confirmation and saw this:

"Dear Casey,

I am pleased to inform you that a TA-ship has become available; and the Linguistics Committee has decided to offer you a Spanish Teaching Assistantship to support study in the Linguistic Studies MA Program."

I immediately burst into tears and called Casey over to see. I had given up hope that he would be offered the TA-ship and was ready to have 30k or more per year in student loans for his 2 year program. Now his tuition is covered and he gets a stipend that will help us pay for a place to live. 

This experience has humbled me greatly. I was very angry with Heavenly Father for telling us this is the right thing and then not opening doors to do it. I made sure he knew I was angry. He has, once again, reminded me that I am not in charge and that he will provide what we need, even if it comes after a long wait. Now that this weight is off my shoulders, I can enjoy the massive reduction in my stress levels. I am going to be expressing my gratitude for this immense blessing for a long time to come.

Handling Stress

That moment when you are so stressed and anxious about money, moving, and life in general that you want to eat an entire pan of brownies, but also throw up, sleep all day, but also stay awake for three days to find any possible way to save a few pennies, not spend any money on anything ever, but also buy everything on your Amazon wishlists... I'm in that moment.

We have the money to get up to Syracuse to look at places to live, but we have no money to put into a rental. I'm trying really hard to just let go of control and let Heavenly Father take care of it, but I don't know how I can trust that we will magically find a place in our price range, that doesn't require a deposit and first month rent, and is in a safe area. I'm struggling to find the positives in my life when it feels like everything is just blowing up around me. I can't sleep because my anxiety is past manageable, but I can't take anything for it because I am pregnant and when I can sleep, I have nightmares that leave me more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

Ok, enough focusing on the negatives. We will be able to do this. We will find a place to live. We will be able to afford it.